The Myth of Mr. Big

I hosted my own intervention.  An asshole intervention.  Because I wanted to release the image of my Mr. Big.  And I wanted to know if my Lunchers also had Mr. Big issues.

Turns out they did!


The Confessions:

Tomboi:  "Frank* lives in the city now.  We talked all the time in college.  We met at boarding school in Connecticut.  We were 17.  When I met him he took me home to his house and I really liked his family a lot.  I wanted to be a part of it.  When I went away to college, he started dating someone else and I guess he thought she fit better in his family.  I guess she's the Natasha (Sex and the City reference).  I'm the dancer and she works for this fancy design firm.  She's from Greenwich."

GurlNexDoor:  "Joe*.  I met him, he was on the other kickball team.  We just instantaneously clicked.  Except we were a disaster together, we would always drink so much but also have a lot of fun.  When I met him I thought he was the one.  Really though the first 2 weeks were the only good part.  And then everything became toxic.  I ran into him at a bar and he was with his ex-girlfriend.  I got jealous.  That was the turning point.  I gave him a hug and said hi.  Then I went back to sit with my friends.  He didn't come after me."

LotusFlower:  "Cody*.  He is my dream guy.  He's from Japan, we met in college.  I built him up in my head as the dream guy.  But he didn't like me that way.  He dated my friend instead, for 2 years.  About 6 months ago my parents were telling me to open my mind to marriage.  In Indian culture, we have arranged marriages.  My parents proposed marriage to his parents.  It turns out he was arranged to marry someone else.  We are of different backgrounds, however it is traditional that you marry someone from your state.  He is very rich.  The girl he married is 7 years younger than him.  He is very handsome."



My story is much more fucked up, but nonetheless young and misleading.  What I wanted to know is why I paint a picture of what I "want" my life to be, including men.  Including a Mr. Big.  The guy I feel will be my Prince Charming, the guy who will rock my world.


.....   None of that really exists.  I can rock my own world.  And I am closing my eyes to reality by wandering in my painting.


Okay, so LotusFlower referenced Sex and the City to show me how I must realize Mr Big is a delusion:

She said that Charlotte thought she was hitting jackpot when she married her first WASPy rich husband.  He was everything she dreamed of in her pony tail and little white tennis skirt.  But he was sexually incompetent and selfish.  It didn't work out.

What did work out was her second marriage, to a bald chubby Jewish guy.  He was miles outside her comfort zone, and certainly not what she pictured.  Yet they fell in love, for real.


TomBoi told me how even though she knew her Mr. Big was in New York, she did not mention that she was also in New York.  Because that would give him power... by trying to meet up.  She ran into him standing in line at a club, "I was with my roommate and he came up to me while I was just standing there.  He asked me to go with him to the next club.  And I said no.  Then he was snap chatting me all night.  I didn't feed into it.

When you are no longer attached, you won't even care."


LotusFlower agreed, "Time heals all wounds.  When I'm not under the spell, I do better.  It's hard to be rational when your emotions are in the way."


I asked, "If you could ask him a question what would you ask?"

GurlNexDoor said, "I'm very straight forward so I feel like I already said a lot of things to him.  Was he just as sad by the fact that it didn't work out?  Obviously I was."


Then TomBoi asked, "Was I always your backup?  Why was it hard for you to let me go too?"


TomBoi continued, "These are all things you are supposed to move on from.  Already happened, it's already over.  I did go over a phase where I would go over it in my head and play out scenarios.  But I feel like I've grown up from that, "be with me, be with me," nonsense.  If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you."

I said, "I don't want to be that girl."



It makes me crazy, because I feel like I have so much going for me.  I investigated this obsession/delusion further.  And discovered that even Scarlett, my all time favorite heroin of the novel, Gone With the Wind, had a Mr. Big.

Scarlett was ambitious, and if she wanted something, she did what it took to get it.  She wanted Ashley, he didn't want her.  Thus, her internal feud.  She lost a love to Rhett Butler over it because she was so mesmerized.  And the annoying part was, as a viewer from the outside, Ashley sucked!  He was such a poetic panzee, no gumption.  Not as strong as Scarlett.  Yet she gave him power.

As God as my witness, I will never give in to Mr. Big again... ha!

What If All Woman in NYC Canceled Their Dating App Accounts?

The answer is that men would have to come up to us.  And omg - try.

After reading the Vanity Fair article on Tinder, I realized something must be done to level out the dating game fair and square.  Our grandparents' generation waited to have sex until marriage.  Whereas our generation can have sex with someone 1-3 dates after meeting online.  What if we could manage somewhere in the middle of these extremes?

The reason I feel women should make the first move, and cancel their Tinder, OkCupid, Jswipe profiles, is to reinstate the power we have lost.  The power to be mysterious, the power to be beautifully adored creatures men must earn.  Not fluffy pics they can click on.

When I asked Lipstick Lunch about men and online dating they said:

1).  Describe your type of guy...

GurlNexDoor, "Some initiative, motivated, successful, family oriented, good head on their shoulders."

IndieFlickChick, "All of my relationships don't fit, 'my criteria.'  I'm all about body language.  He should be independent and can tell really good stories.  About my height, foreign, skinny, a skateboarder, and a sense of humor."

PoshSpice, "Ambitious, very sexual.  Sex is important, he has to be in tune with himself.  A creative thinker, taller than me.  I like goofy guys to reciprocate my oddities.  Smart but not ivy league smart."

LotusFlower, "Dreamy, romantic, intellectual, sweet.  I thought I would want a good looking guy, but when you are in love would would learn to love his face."

TomBoi, "Really tall white guys who look like they play football.  I'm okay with being led, and not leading.  I'm 5'9 and 160 lbs, so yeah.  Maybe I have some daddy issues, because my dad is a big guy so I want a big guy.  However I've found all those guys have similar stories.  I'm waiting for a guy to surprise me."


2).  Difference between making love and fucking...

IndieFlickChick, "Sex is a blanket term.  I think you can fuck and make love at the same time."



3).  List 3 places you have met guys in the past year to 2 years in real life...

TomBoi, "Working in a restaurant."

PoshSpice, "Weddings."

GurlNexDoor, "Opposing kickball teams."

IndieFlickChick, "Mutual friends."

LotusFlower, "Through family."


4).  What are the pros and cons of using a dating app?

PoshSpice, "Someone once told me, 'Every relationship is one step closer to the relationship you're supposed to be in.'"

GurlNextDoor, "You meet some characters.  I just started on one called, 'The League,' where it combines your LinkedIn account with your Facebook to make your profile.  Every guy is like short and Jewish."

LotusFlower, "Guys in NYC are so unique and should all be given a chance.  Plus, single life is rich."

TomBoi, "Pro: when I first moved to New York, it got me out to places I wouldn't normally go to on my own.  Con: I didn't have clear objectives, it was always so casual."

IndieChickFlick, "Because you are with someone wondering what if there is someone better."


5).  In Amy Schumer's recent film, Trainwreck, Amy's character shares that she has a big #.  Is she telling women to accept their behavior, or does a big # make us sluts...

PoshSpice, "It's not slutty, it's experienced."

IndieFlickChick, "She is not proud or ashamed, it's just her character."

TomBoi, "Men have to be held at standards the same way women would be."


6).  Quickest time frame you have jumped into bed with a guy and longest you waited...

TomBoi, "Morning charity event at my sorority.  It started at 8am and we were in bed by 9:30am."

PoshSpice, "First date, because I knew him prior.  And the longest, 5 dates.  He wanted to wait for me."

IndieFlickChick, "We met a few times at a local hangout then organically slept together at a friend's house in Brooklyn.  That night we 69'ed, then had an open long distance relationship and then moved in with each other.  As of October 4 it will be one year."

GurlNexDoor, "I waited until college to have sex and have slept with my boyfriend since. So yeah!"




I would like to hear what everybody thinks, men and women.  People dating in NYC:  What do you think the scene would be like without dating apps?

Do you like a potential mate less if you know they use dating apps?

What is the experience like, first meeting someone you met from an app?  Your expectations?

Do you prefer to arrive first or second to the location?

If everything does work out, do you think you will tell your grandchildren the truth about where you met?

If there really wasn't the option of dating apps, do you think people would open their hearts more considering the value of the moment?

Kiss my chair!

Going on the third year, my friend Maureen hosts the "Take a Seat" worldwide event for her group the, International Furniture and Design Association.  All are invited to design a chair for an auction to raise money for Habitat for Humanity in New York City.  Not only does everyone have a great time seeing and bidding on all the one-of-a-kind chairs, but the fundraiser helps one more person in the city tuck into a bed at night.

For us, for all woman with a signature style, voila, "Lipstick Lunch."




Mwah, every woman wears lipstick.

I collected the lipsticks from friends and family.  A good portion of the lipsticks came from my grandma marsha's majong group.  ;)  The message of my chair is that all woman have individual styles, often shown through a signature like lipstick.  All the lipsticks together mean that as different as we are, we can be friends.

Wet kisses!

I finished the chair at work and asked all the decorators and seamstresses to put on some lipstick and kiss the back of my chair.  They all had so much fun taking turns to choose a special shade of lipstick, bend down and kiss a silly chair.  It really was funny!